Alone

Before you continue have you felt true loneliness? Not the easily remembered kind like friends going out without you or being stuck in a rut after a breakup. No not that loneliness but i mean a feeling of loneliness that can only be described as a longing to belong, a longing to understand yourself. I’m referring to a constant loneliness that is derived by an inability to look past previous experiences. This kind of loneliness creates a bubble in which the outside world is perceived as nothing but your attackers and enemies. Although you know physically you’re fine this loneliness consumes every fiber of your being. It tells your brain you cannot trust, you cannot love,you begin to convince yourself you’re a burden to the world and to people around you. You feel truly cast out from society (an outcast) but not necessarily because you are an outcast but this feeling i’m talking about is able to consume you and make you feel truly alone even in a crowded room, with friends and family. Every little moment becomes a search for acceptance from the people closest to you. Every task in life you secretly don’t want to do but have to because people expect a large amount of give and take.You are never truly able to find peace due to this constant obsession with finding the answers the mortality, purpose and sometimes life outside the bubble.You have this constant pressure put on you by others, you live in a constant state of fear of public opinion, public scrutiny and lack of general acceptance over who are. This is the loneliness I am referring to. It is a dark, cold and empty place only you know the feeling and only you can understand how to deal with it obviously but if it was that simple you would have the answers and probably would have already eradicated the issues but you don’t or can’t seem to.

This loneliness often leads you to create a bubble of comfort.These comforts keep you happy, entertained and allow you to temporarily forget about your problems but these are not replacements for the hurt you feel and you know this. They are distractions from the real world. They help make you feel empowered when you’re not, beautiful when you feel ugly, rich when your skint but to each their own. Some people turn to food as a way of suppression, some turn to alcohol and some turn to marijuana like substances (drugs). These at some point begin to seem like the only hold you have to reality, your only grip on sanity or even your only true way of getting through interactions with others. Now these substances allow you to close your eyes at night and not have those long conversations with yourself like you used to. They help you forget there’s noone there.They help reduce your fear of tomorrow.They help you feel like you have a purpose and you aren’t just another remnant from the big bang. These substances are not to be touched by others because they are your only source of inspiration and motivation, they cause disputes with friends, family and cause relationships to fail. An example may include a push from a girlfriend asking you to stop smoking weed or friends not consulting  you because these substances cloud your judgement. They begin to feel used, unappreciated and see themselves as your substance providers only needed when you feel an itch for abuse.

You begin to feel that these substances are your only escape and only hope for survival in this crazy world. The bubble they create is wonderful and it keeps your sanity but for how long will that last?The bubble is thick, closing in and suddenly you are beginning to feel as if your creation is killing you. The bubble is your safety,it has your connections, it allows you interact with others without real physical interaction, you feel safe but we forget it’s just a bubble. Back to the first question,have you felt true loneliness? Is it a figment of the imagination or maybe it is just part of the process of growth in life.Detachments, anxiety and continued depression are just things we as humans have to deal with, some more than others. Most instruments of pleasure tend to slowly but ultimately reduce our best before date  so why do we decide to reduce our lifespans in an effort to curb the loneliness.It is a question i have no answer to but i would like to say you are not alone in these feelings. Maybe knowledge of that might bring some sort of warmth or maybe it may not but one thing remains certain and has been proven time and time again.

The bubble will burst. It may not be today , tomorrow or even in a timeframe you can imagine but it will because it’s either you find a solution or allow the bubble consume you. Nothing replaces human interaction as a cure for the loneliness described above. Not the human interaction gotten from posting a picture for likes or the interaction from the likes of twitter but real personal close quarters interaction. The anxiety that comes along with being able to share and open up with people will always remain an issue but what remains important is being able to understand human interaction will always be a give and take because life is filled with these moments. Someone will stab you in the back, others will talk behind your back but all i can say is you never know what the outcome will be without trying. Substances create a wonderful short term experience but will ultimately be your downfall when dealing with issues of loneliness because they don’t deal with the long term issues but create a short term bubble for you the stay in a state of utter confusion about where life is headed and when the day is done you see that you’re not any better off than when you began.

 

 

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